Divorce is a terribly stressful time for everyone involved, including the children of the marriage; the decision to divorce is not theirs and the reasons are often beyond their tender years.

Just as the two people directly involved in the divorce have to make big changes in their lives so usually do the children, such as, an absent parent, shared parenting, moving from the family home and moving between two new homes and changes in financial circumstances. There is a myriad of change that accompanies divorce and our children are capable - often more capable than adults - of accommodating these changes if they get the support they need.

In the past the children of divorcing parents have been overlooked, but now more than ever the welfare of the children is at the fore. The children of divorce are the paramount focus for a healthy divorce process.

If you are in need of support get it, so you can give your children the nurturing they need.

1. Love them, hug them and spend time with them. You’re children need to know they are loved no matter what is going on in their lives or yours. This fundamental knowledge is the platform from which they can cope with just about anything.

2. Tell the truth. Do not lie to your children. People have the tendency to say things like, “we are having a break,” or “we still love each other,” or “maybe one day we will get back together”. This is easier for the parent but not easier long term for the child. A child needs to know that the marriage is over and that both parents still love them, but both parents will be leading separate lives that include the children.

3. Do not over burden your children with your problems. They may need to know certain things that are going on that affect them, but generally they do not need to know the day-to-day goings on of the divorce procedure or the animosity felt and expressed by either parent toward the other parent.

4. Parent your children. Do not stop being a teacher, disciplinarian or guide to your children. That is your job. We do not have children because we need more friends we have them so we can be parents and bring intelligent, well adjusted adults into society who can in turn do the same. Your children need role models in their parents they can be proud to follow.

5. As much as possible keep the everyday routines. By having the same routines children know what is going to happen at pretty much anytime of the day - this is reassuring. If new routines are needed in the new circumstances, discuss them with the children and then stick to them. Routines needn’t differ in the case of shared parenting.

6. Feed your kids. Your children need to be strong and healthy. Sometimes when you are going through a stressful time you have the tendency to stop putting the effort into the fundamentals like good food, exercise and plenty of rest. Your children need these things as much as you do, especially during stressful times.

7. Get over your guilt. Whatever the cause of your marriage breakdown leave it behind. There is no blame in Australian divorce and yet people tend to feel guilty. This often shows up where children are involved. Some people will stop parenting and will allow their children to become little dictators. Some parents are so guilt ridden that they will not be in contact with their children. Children need role models and a guilt-ridden parent is not going to send the right messages to a young and impressionable mind.

8. If they need extra help get it. Watch your children, talk to them and if you think they could benefit from a professional’s help, find them one. There are many professionals that work with children. Finding a specialist is not difficult; there are free child services just about everywhere.

9. Be supportive to the other parent. This may seem like a big ask but it is for your children’s sake. Having two parents cooperating for their benefit is better for the children than seeing their parents fighting over them.