Do you get involved with people that you are actually 'not really into'?
Do you say or do things that hurt the feelings of others, which causes them to emotionally step back from you?
Do you habitually let your partner down? Intending to commit to your word or promise, but too often fall flat on delivering on your promise?
Relationships can be complicated, just as a human can be complex.
We can contradict ourselves, and hurt those we love, without knowing why.
We can promise the world to someone; to love, honour and cherish them, but then we can do and say things to sabotage the trust, respect and love that we have nurtured over time in our relationships.
Some of us enter a pattern of sabotage, replaying a cycle of damage and repair in relationships.
And, sometimes, our life is a series of short-lived relationships, unable to develop long-term meaningful relationships.
Relationships are not supposed to be painful. However, they can help us mature and grow emotionally and psychologically. And this growth can hurt.
Signs of a Relationship Self-Sabotage
Who does not want a happy relationship? Of course, we all want it. Unfortunately, the road to one can be full of twists, turns and potholes for some of us.
Clinging on to the fear of abandonment, feelings of inadequacy or traumatic experiences does not only affect romantic relationships. It also affects other areas of your life. Negative thinking patterns are a magnet for a whole bunch of relationship issues; you'll always try to find something wrong with your romantic partner, workmates, family, friends, and practically anyone who tries to establish a healthy relationship with you.
Sometimes, we need to learn and develop within ourselves, to be able to build trusting, safe, long-lasting loving relationships. The truth is, everyone needs love. And we all deserve love.
For some people, as much as they want love and intimacy, they can unconsciously sabotage their relationships for fear of getting too close.
Sometimes, the greater the emotional connection, the greater the risk of hurt due to loss. This loss could be through a separation, or even the event of death. For some people this can be associated with immense feelings of anxiousness that prevents them from continuing a relationship.
The Roots of Relationship Sabotage
Developmental psychologists tell us that our upbringing has a huge impact on how we relate to others as adults.
British psychiatrist John Bowlby said "the quality of the early parent–infant attachment has lasting impacts on development, especially on later relationships"(1).
Bowlby suggests we all create internal working models of attachment styles.
Studies suggest that as adults we unconsciously seek out our attachment styles that we developed as children—unless we take action to examine and change these attachment styles throughout our life experiences.
This means that children who experience love and attention in their early years will seek out secure and stable relationships as adults. In contrast, if someone has an upbringing in which they feel unloved, unattended, or angry or confused, then as a young adult or adult, they will enter relationships in which they act with avoidance, or with resistance.
This can help explain why some people sabotage their relationships or avoid being in relationships altogether. With an insecure internal working, people can avoid forming deep relationships or experience overly anxious feelings when forming close relationships.
The fear of failure, or their false beliefs about themselves, would always compel them to turn on the negative self-talk switch. This eventually leads to the development of insecure attachments, an attachment style in which one avoids connecting emotionally to others.
With avoidance, or resistance attachment styles, we can be wary of getting too close to anyone. We can feel insecure and act out in jealousy. We can be overly dependent on our partner, not allowing them to have the breathing space that balanced, healthy relationships need.
Do you push people away (sabotaging the relationship) because the feelings of getting close make you anxious or uncomfortable?
Do you avoid authentic intimacy?
Do you feel that you are simply not lovable? Or repeatedly ask your partner, how could they love you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might have an insecure internal working model. But please don't lose heart! The good news is that this can be changed.
By finding the right therapist, healer, counsellor that suits your responsiveness style, you can shift limiting belief systems that create avoidance and resistance attachment styles of relationships.
A pattern of sabotaging relationships can be transformed, so that you can experience secure, long-lasting, deeply loving relationships.
You can address any feelings of insecurity, allowing for a greater sense of self-worth and authentic confidence to be developed.
You can also instigate change through bringing an awareness to your pattern of behaviour in relationships by observing your thoughts and actions.
Observe yourself without judgement. Give yourself space and permission to recognise your patterns and belief systems.
When we decide to take action to do the work on ourselves, we not only grow and evolve as a person, we also become better role models for our families and communities. We become better employees and business owners. Remember, we can all change. Our minds, bodies and hearts can relearn new truths.
Can you recognise secure, avoidance, or resistance style relationships in your life?
What is the single, next best thing you could do to support creating more meaningful relationships in your life?
If you would like support with limiting belief systems or emotions, get in touch. I am here for you.
Read more here.
References:
(1) Emotions, Attachment, and Social Relationships In Life-span human development (9th ed) Carol K. Sigelman & Elizabeth A. Rider, 2017
